What’s your IQ? (Influence quotient)

Have you ever tried to make an important decision that’s 100% rational? Even for a fleeting microsecond, did you weigh the consequences of that decision? Our brains have evolved to take the path of least resistance and other shortcuts when assessing our everyday environment and situations. It requires too much processing power to navigate excruciating detail in an increasingly complex world. It takes more cognitive effort to enhance awareness, be present and reflect more deeply — especially for ideas or suggestions that confront deeply held beliefs and opinions.

When opinions hold sway over facts

Most of our fundamental beliefs and opinions are kept behind well-guarded fortresses because they keep out conflicting perspectives that challenge how we see the world. We need compelling motivations offered in a way that touch upon what matters to us before we’ll consider lowering the drawbridge to adjust our positions, opinions and beliefs.

When you’re engaging with new business associates, employees or clients, they’re looking for something to connect you to them. They’re looking for empathy and ways that make you relatable. People buy you first because who you are is always more important than what you do. That’s a universal law; it’s how we’re hardwired.

Confirmation bias and ‘backfire effect’

The harsh truth is that we humans are emotional creatures, not rational ones, thanks largely to the brain’s neurochemistry. Indecisiveness or impulsivity often reflect underlying emotional influences. We seek data and evidence that affirm our beliefs and opinions. We hold to our opinions even when presented with facts that refute them in what’s called “confirmation bias.” Naked facts have rarely been enough to change a well-dressed opinion.

In such situations, someone’s attempt to convert our thinking, opinion or belief with more facts and evidence usually fails; it boomerangs on them. Psychologists call this the “backfire effect.” And it’s all because our brain chemistry hasn’t detected an emotion-inducing stimulus — primarily empathy — to make us receptive to belief-changing ideas.

Intelligent influence can be persuasive or manipulative

Applying communication and language strategies during all kinds of business transactions in Fortune 100 companies throughout my career got me interested in how certain areas of the brain influence thoughts and actions when stimulated by particular emotional triggers. “Ethical influential intelligence” (a learned skill) helps leaders better connect to employees, clients and customers. Of course, con artists, fraudsters and psychopaths in the C-suite can use influential intelligence as a weapon of manipulation for corrupt, self-serving purposes.

Ethical and corrupt uses of influential intelligence involve the same tools: engaging others; positioning your expertise, knowledge, or value; influencing the direction or outcome; and converting others or getting their compliance. One approach creates clients, customers, champions and allies; the other, misery, regret, anger and victims.

The way forward with others is using language strategies that positively engage and influence at deeper levels.

Personal story is important persuasion tool

The approach to persuasion includes relating the best fact-based, context-centered version of your actual story — of who you are. Back in my corporate days when managers would pass along a candidate for me to interview, I’d ask: “So, tell me something about yourself …” What I was asking for was their story. I was looking for a connection. Most of the time candidates simply recited their résumés. I already had those in front of me, so they failed that test. The candidates who made that favorable impression knew how to reply with a short fact-based, context-centered response.

One of the best responses I ever received to that question was from a programmer: “I’m a cello-playing, kid’s soccer coach, PTA board member, and darn good programmer with an eye on your project budget and schedule.” The first part of his response was the fact-based portion of his story, which told me a lot about who he was personally. The second half focused on the context of the conversation, which was the job interview. I connected with him on both parts, and I approved his hire on the spot.

The act of persuading someone else to buy into your proposal, sign a large purchase order, offer you a job, or give you what you want first begins with being very familiar with that person and caring about who they are and what they need. Empathy is the communication bridge that connects buyers and sellers, consultants and clients, managers and employees, doctors and patients.

Persuasion and influence develop over time. A persuasion language strategy involves empathy, authenticity, master narrative, proof points, visual language and storytelling. Motivational speaker and master storyteller Zig Ziglar captured the concept of influence and persuasion perfectly: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” You must engage genuine empathy in your persuasion approach to reach your audience.

Persuasion strategy first requires specifics

A persuasive strategy for helping another party requires specifics and details. More often than not, you have to extract those specifics rather than the other party voluntarily offering those details.

When meeting planners or corporate HR people hire me, I have to be prepared to dig deep to get at their ultimate want by asking a series of questions, such as: “What outcome do you want?” or “What does success look like?” “Why is that important?” “And why is that important?” “How does that get you closer to your outcome?” “And what else?” (Repeat as often as needed.) I have to push beyond those initial responses I’m getting to help them (and me) uncover the one major underlying issue that shapes my understanding from their perspective.

Throughout my career and in my work with individuals in corporate programs and virtual mentoring programs I’ve noted three common qualities of those who show a high level of influential and persuasive intelligence:

• They have a compassionate morality. They’re honest, humble and conscientious. They show restraint in tense situations. They feel guilty for private failures and show remorse for public ones.
• They have empathy. They’re receptive to the emotions and feelings of others — not out of a decision to be empathetic but from a genuine innate concern for a deeper connection.
• They operate on principled ethics. Being honorable, just, noble, righteous and virtuous are non-negotiable elements of who they are.
• These are qualities of “other-serving” (vs. self-serving) individuals.

Using influence of reciprocity to get compliance

I recently ran an A/B test (a randomized experiment with two variants) on a survey I sent out to a number of people. In the email to 50% of the list, I simply asked if they’d complete my short survey within the next week. My response rate was about 15%. The other half received the same email, but I added this line: “I really value your insight and opinions to help me determine which project direction I should undertake.” That response rate was more than 50%.

[See sidebar “The Change Triangle” at the end of this article]

By adding the slightly flattering text to the email going to the second group, I set up the “reciprocity” effect (one of seven major influence categories), which prompted those respondents to complete the survey sooner rather than later. Another way of looking at reciprocity is the “obligation” response. It’s human nature to want to not be indebted to others.

The ethical and positive use of influence language can establish relationships. It can motivate and inspire others into action. It can span differences that separate, divide and alienate us from each other.

While we might labor over the language we use to frame our outbound message to clients, employees, spouses or whomever, what matters most is the inbound message they actually hear because if we confuse, we lose. If they can’t hear us, it’s not their fault.

Donn LeVie Jr., CFE, is a staff writer for Fraud Magazine, a speaker, consultant and award-winning author. He’s president of Donn LeVie Jr. STRATEGIES, LLC, and the creator of Influential Intelligence™ corporate programs. He conducts virtual strategic group mentoring programs and 1:1 executive mentoring programs. His website is donnleviejrstrategies.com. Contact him at donn@donnleviejrstrategies.com.

The Change Triangle

The Change Triangle has been around for a while under different names, but this iteration is from Hilary Jacobs Hendel, author of “It’s Not Always Depression.” If a situation causes you or someone else to be out of sorts, find out where you or they are on The Change Triangle: defense, inhibitor or core. Moving clockwise around The Change Triangle progresses from defensive posturing, through the emotional inhibitions, to the core emotions, which then guides individuals toward persuasive engagement.

Used with permission from: Hendel, H.J. (2018). “It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self.” New York: Random House