Set fire to your 'emotional intelligence'

“Neurons that fire together, wire together.” That’s one of the most insightful, albeit simple, phrases anyone has ever said to me. It resonates with me professionally, and personally, because it gives me hope that I really can change my ingrained habits.

As a child, teenager, young woman, parent and now manager, I’ve heard people say countless times, “That’s just the way you are” or “You’re just built that way” or “Your brain is hard-wired to think like that.” While my brain, and yours, might be hard-wired one way because of experiences and genetics, that doesn’t mean that those wires can’t be rewired with practice, intention and coaching.

In March, I hosted an ACFE Fraud Talk podcast interview with Lisa Walker, Ph.D., MCC, owner of Walker Consulting LLC. We discussed an executive we’ll call “Samantha.” Here’s Walker’s story of how Samantha rewired her management style via changes in her emotional intelligence (also known as EQ or emotional quotient):

Samantha’s story

“Samantha is this go-getter. She’s known as this person in her organization … [where you] give her the hardest task and she is going to push through that wall and ensure that they’re getting amazing results,” Walker says in the podcast. “The challenge is any wall that Samantha comes up against — meaning people and others — she tended to bulldoze them.

“Interestingly enough, because she was rewarded for the business results year after year and no one was coaching or paying a lot of attention to the damage that was being caused to personnel, she continued on that path. As she was now … thinking, ‘I’ve been in this place for such a long time. I need to be further along in the organization.’ She began asking why she wasn’t being promoted. This is when she received answers like, ‘Well, people fall when they’re around you. People who work with you report you tend to be abrasive. You tend to be highly competitive, and you don’t really care much about others’ feelings.’ When she got this feedback, it was crushing,” Walker says.

“There’s a part of her that doubted whether or not she could learn these people skills, but then the other side of her that was so competitive made her stand up to the challenge.

“First, she had to start with understanding who she is as a person; how she shows up. Then, [she needed to] understand the gaps in how she navigated relationships and what she needed to manage in order to show up differently. Samantha buckled down to do this work, to develop deep self-awareness. Because, as I always say to my leaders, you cannot effectively manage what you’re not aware of.

“She had to be willing to ask and answer some really tough questions about herself. As she navigated that and developed a deeper awareness of herself, then she could figure out how she could manage more effectively so she’s not bruising, hurting or damaging folks and her team. As she improved in her self-management, then she noticed additional ways she could enhance relationships with her peers and stakeholders,” Walker says.

“Part of how we set this up is that she was constantly getting feedback from others around her. She shared with them the specifics of what she was working on. She was working on being less abrasive. She was working on asking questions that were more open-ended, inviting and inclusive. She was working on not cutting folks off in conversation. These were all things that folks reported that they couldn’t stand about Samantha. They gave her feedback as they observed her over time, and even gave her suggestions on what we call ‘feed-forward’ about how to continue on this path,” Walker says.

“Over time, Samantha became an example to her people of what this work can do. There were individuals who I interviewed on her behalf who didn’t trust her and they wanted her to know that because of how she treated them over time. To see her do the work, to build trust with these folks who are now people who want to collaborate with her and feel good about being in meetings with her.

“We hear in the sales world that you buy things from people who you like and trust. Well, the same thing happens in the workplace on a team. We want to collaborate more with people who we trust. The work that she did first on self-awareness and on managing herself more effectively, then noticing how she was impacting others around her, allowed her to build stronger relationships that were now founded on trust.

“That allowed her work to be more effective, so not only is she more productive, her team members are more productive. Of course, that impacts the bottom line for the organization in a positive way. She’s a great example for me of when somebody takes this seriously, and leans in and does the work around building emotional intelligence,” Walker says in the podcast.

The emotional intelligence changes that Walker shares in Samantha’s story aren’t about “being in touch with one’s feelings” or participating in a human resources trend. Psychology Today defines emotional intelligence as “the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.” But I like how Walker initially described the concept to me. She said, quoting psychologist and author Daniel Goleman, “CEOs are hired for their intellect and business expertise — and fired for a lack of emotional intelligence.”

As we see in Samantha’s story, and as we’ve seen with those we work with, our emotional intelligence is just as important, if not more important, than our business acumen. And, for some, that’s a tough lesson to learn.

Psychology Today defines emotional intelligence as 'the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.'

‘360-degree evaluations’

After a brief stint as a newspaper reporter, I joined an Austin, Texas, executive coaching firm, which quickly trained me to conduct “360-degree evaluations” of clients’ employees and leaders — comprehensive views gained via interviews with their directors, peers and direct reports.

We and the clients would group the interviewees’ comments (some recorded verbatim) by themes and share them with the coached employees and leaders. As a young professional, I relished the chance to hear what I expected to be juicy gossip and insider knowledge of some of the world’s top executives. I even worked with a talent agency client from Los Angeles, and I just knew I’d discover a new movie to be released or secret romances forming between actors. To my dismay, the confidential information I was obligated to keep to myself didn’t satisfy any of my tabloid curiosity.

Instead, the interviews yielded comments upon comments about leadership styles: bulldozers, dictators, dominators, appeasers, wallflowers or robots. The flawed emotional intelligence of each coached employee and leader was, just like Samantha, a prevalent factor in their effectiveness. The only substantive way for them to change was to acknowledge their emotional intelligence challenges, value them, and then rewire these default, learned characteristics that got them to where they were but held them back from where they needed to be.

I recently gave a presentation with Andi McNeal, CFE, CPA, the ACFE’s director of research at a virtual event for association executives on how we can develop three good habits that will help us move us forward in our jobs. This presentation, directed at women, was based on the book, “How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back From Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job,” by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith, but the habits apply to everyone.

We not only shared our ingrained bad habits we most identified with but how we can overcome them with intention and practice. Just like the opening quote to the article explained, to change a default reaction we must stop and rewire those firing neurons. And, just as Walker showed us with Samantha, we must use emotional intelligence to take us beyond where our acumen stops.

Here are the three habits, as described in Helgesen and Goldsmith’s book, and the ways to turn them into positives:

For some people, sharing a successful project or job well done comes naturally. But some feel uncomfortable because they worry they’ll sound like braggarts or show-offs. Others think they shouldn’t have to say anything, and their work will speak for itself. Unfortunately, your work doesn’t always speak for itself or even make it in front of the people we’re trying to impress. And, if we aren’t promoting ourselves, who can we depend on to do it for us?

Just like a muscle you exercise, you only become comfortable with sharing your own achievements by intently, repeatedly practicing. One way to begin using this muscle is by sharing your excitement for a project pre-launch and then naturally following up with a success post-launch.

Another way is by using your annual review and evaluation to tout all the things that went well during the year. I actually keep a folder in my email box called “Personal Successes.” I place in there all compliments and words of appreciation about my work and then share them with my director during my annual evaluation.

Another way to tout yourself is by promoting your team members and their achievements. Any success by one of your employees is a direct reflection of your own success as a manager. It also instills trust with your team members that you’re looking out for them and are proud of what they’re accomplishing.

You might have read these two actions as synonymous, but they’re actually two separate ways to look at partnerships you build at work.

Many of us think of building relationships as going for coffee with our work friends, attending a virtual happy hour or setting up recurring meetings with staff members. But the real value is in enlisting allies.

Reach out to someone who might need information you have. Ask others to join a project with you. Support people in front of key stakeholders. These are ways to make not only friends, but allies, in the workplace. The benefits make your efforts worthwhile. These allies offer differing perspectives, honest feedback, buy-in for key initiatives, and views of your organization from varying levels and expertise.

Perfectionism can be our biggest strength, but, in the blink of an eye, can become our biggest weakness. While we might bask in the glory of attention to detail, high achievement, spotless report findings and an eagerness that sometimes can’t be tamed, perfectionism can also make us succumb to procrastination, develop fears of failure and taking risks, and be unable to trust others to accomplish tasks the way you would do them.

As Andi McNeal said in our presentation, “Like any trait, those of us who are perfectionists know we can’t just stop being that way. And the instinct itself can be powerful and positive. But if we want to make it work for us as we rise, we need to learn how to harness it and direct it.”

Again, we must rewire and practice things like risk-taking, recognizing failure and mistakes and letting them go, assessing risks, prioritizing worries and then repeating all of these.

Using emotional intelligence during crisis and uncertainty

Combine the pandemic with social unrest and we have a mix of heightened emotions, shifting priorities, tension, discomfort, moments of clarity and anxiety. But, as Walker pointed out at her recent presentation at the 31st Annual ACFE Global Fraud Conference in June, “We still have to be in control. We have work to do, and we have to get things done."

During her live virtual presentation, Walker began by asking attendees several questions to think about, including, “When do you have your biggest breakthroughs?” Attendees responded with things like mowing the grass, showering, riding their motorcycle, shaving, cooking, prayer, meditation, running, walking and being alone in nature.

According to Walker, it’s during these times we’re able to reset our brains, which are hard-wired during times of crisis or stress to immediately go to “fight or flight” in our amygdala. She said we need to be deliberate about creating these moments so we can slow down our hamster wheels; regain clarity and control; and begin to empathize, strategize and make better decisions.

Here are some of her suggestions to reset our brains during difficult moments:

• Name it to tame it

Walker said we must be able to name the emotions we’re feeling as they’re happening. “We cannot effectively manage what we aren’t aware of,” she said. “This will then help us figure out how best to respond to it.”

• Reframe the situation

Instead of looking at a crisis or situation as difficult, Walker encouraged attendees to look at it as a learning opportunity. She gave the example of the conversation you need to have with a peer or employee that could be awkward or hard. She said to reframe it as an important conversation that will help the team and the organization instead of a difficult situation you’re dreading.

• Reorder and prioritize

Walker posed multiple questions that would be useful to ask during times of heightened anxiety. What priority is this for me, my team, my customers or the organization? When should this be a priority? What kind of priority is this? Is it health, safety, process or efficiency? For whom is this a priority? As one attendee wrote in the chat, “If everything is a priority, then nothing can be a priority.”

• Normalize it

Walker said once we start to normalize a situation, we then have more resources at our disposal. Talk to people who have been through crises before and ask how they dealt with them. Look at your own organization and reflect on a time you’ve been through a crisis in the past. How did you come out of it? Who did you lean on for support? Who did you support?

• Reposition it

Look at the situation from different perspectives. Think about how: (1) your customers or clients see a situation (2) your executives see it (3) people of different backgrounds see it (4) different people within your company see it. “Trying to see from different perspectives of others will help us navigate the crisis more successfully,” Walker said.

New Year’s Eve of 2025

Walker left attendees with a hopeful and promising challenge. She asked everyone to close their eyes and think about where they’ll be and who they’ll be with on New Year’s Eve of 2025. She said to imagine on that day in the future you’re talking about the pandemic of 2020 and what you learned. She encouraged listeners to think about what they hoped they’d say when friends and family asked how they made it through. Definite food for thought. Hopefully, in 2025 we’ll share about our renewed emotional intelligence that helped us improve our work and life relationships.

Mandy Moody, CFE, is the ACFE’s communications manager. Contact her at mmoody@ACFE.com.